In November 2012 I found out I was pregnant. In December I had lost the baby and had to have a D&C. While I was recovering, the Sandy Hook shootings took place and it was very easy to feel blessed rather than sorry. Then in November 2013, one year to the exact day, I found out I was pregnant again. I was beyond excited that I would be able to rewrite the crappy memories from the year before . . . But that excitement ended 4 days later when I lost another baby, though thankfully without the need of surgery. Just a short 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again.
I write this blog because one day I want my kids to be able to thumb through the books and remember their childhood. I also want them to know certain things that happened in case it happens to them. And while I hope that my daughters will grow up and see my strength, it's important for them to know that sometimes it's okay to not be a rock. I feel like now is one of those times in my life.
I am excited to be pregnant and I am overjoyed with the thought of having our final piece to our family puzzle. However, the level of anxiety that I have right now tends to overshadow the joy. I don't have the blissful naievity I had in my first 3 pregnancies. I have the crappy knowledge now that just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you have a baby to bring home in the end. Yes I have made it to the 2nd trimester, so I did shake some anxiety, enough even to start working out again. Then I got sick - for the last 5 days I have had a viral respiratory infection, which was diagnosed and then shrugged off by the doc becuase there's no real meds I can take . . . Besides making me feel like total crap, it has upped the anxiety. To the average person they would think no big deal . . . But even though it's not the same, the non logical part of my brain reminds me that my mom had a virus when she was pregnant with my oldest brother . . . Anxiety level increase!!!
But I am determined to enjoy this time - because there are no maybe's, this is the very last time I will do this! So I am doing my best to employ more of the optimistic side of my brain over the realist part :)
In that line of thought . . . At 15 weeks I have gained around 6 pounds, am enjoying my maternity clothes, like yoga somedays and cardio on others, and pretty much am eating what I want for the last time :) And the very best part of 15 weeks . . . We find out the gender on Wednesday!!!
Gender, name possibilities, baby movements, room arrangements - all things that will help squash the anxiety and increase the joy!