I have a necklace that a friend had given my Mom - but I permanently borrowed it - it says "All of the strength you need is right there inside of you". There are days like the last few that I grasp the circle, that is intertwined back into itself, and try to remember that. And there are days like these that I wish I could be someone who could pray and feel better about things - but very simply, it is not how my mind is hardwired and it is not how I view life and the world.
But I do know that I have the strength in me . . . I just don't want it to get too drained like last time. 3 years ago at this time my mother went into the hospital for a 15 hour surgery, Samantha went into the hospital with a collapsed intestine, and my husband was 200 miles away. It all seems to come at the same time.
In the last 2 weeks Marlie has had pneumonia, an ear infection, and a fall that broke her arm for the 2nd time (she got the full cast yesterday - it's red and awesome!). Samantha has been through bronchitis. Evan had immunizations which made him a beast for an entire day. And then Tuesday night my mother was admitted to the hospital with a 103.4 fever, pneumonia, and being extremely anemic. Her body was going septic and even after transfusions, her blood is basically poisoning her body. An email came from Marlie's teacher this morning that she started coughing severely - I think we will just sit down as a family and have everyone do breathing treatments tonight. My brother is with us now - I love him as much as I love my children . . . but it is, unfortunately, like having a 4th child around - but one that I protect, at times, more fiercly than my kiddos.
I am drained right now . . . BUT, I do have the strength inside of me to get through this, and to carry everyone else through it as well. Because in the end, each day is a new one - and that brings hope. And in 23 days, I am going to be with my family on the most fabulous vacation ever - and that brings peace. And my husband is my support and he is good at it most days - and that brings love. And that is the definition of my strength - hope, peace, and love . . .
Did I mention that Evan tried to pull off his diaper through his onesie at naptime this morning?! So after I got back from the hospital his crib was covered in poop?!?! I am clinging to my necklace right now . . . . which I suppose I should be thankful is not covered in poop . . . because that was Sam that pooped in my face and covered my necklace and entire face in feces . . . and laughter - that would be a part of my strength too :)