So That Was March

I hope my kids look back on the last 2 months of our life when they are older and remember the life lessons we tried like hell to show them.

At the end of January we got the call from our best friend. Our other best friend, his wife, had gone to the doctor because she was 5 months pregnant and was having shoulder pain - she came out with a stage 4 colorectal cancer diagnosis and the cancer had spread to her liver. I follow my gut in times of utter devastation - my head becomes cluttered with logistics and my heart, well it can convince my head of anything . . . and my gut reaction was I needed to hold her hand. So on a plane to Chicago I went. 

I had 24 hours (oh and it was month end for work! Ha! I’m lucky my boss loves me). I slept in the hospital and 5 hours before my flight home, she went into preterm labor and her baby girl, the one she had gone through 8 miscarriages for, was stillborn. I pushed my flight 24 hours and then began the most (at the time) heartbreaking process of taking handprints and footprints of my best friend’s beautiful baby girl and wrapping her up for photos. And because that wasn’t gut wrenching enough, then had to watch her tell her husband about the loss over the phone so he could come to the hospital, where I urged them both gently to hold her (thank God that shit didn’t backfire on me - they were both glad). The chaplain blessed her, I took photos, she read scriptures while we sat there watching and admiring her strength. And then we said goodbye to the tiniest angel of our group. 

Then I went home . . . on the way there I left my phone in an airport bathroom (did I mention I had the only photos in existence of the baby?! ON. MY. PHONE.) Score one for faith in humanity, I did get it back 10 days later. Then the minute (actual, literal minute) I opened the door to my house, I heard Sam scream because her guinea pig died. I dropped my suitcase and off we went to the vet to confirm life status of Mickey - dead. 

Then a couple of weeks happened, our anniversary, stuff with the kids, trying to live life. 

Then on a Sunday I went scouting trails with the kids and went for brunch at Jay’s restaurant. I remember sitting there enjoying my food - because we got there early and it was quiet and the kids were occupied with picking music - and thinking I was super blessed (looking at my husband in his kitchen gear always makes me smile!!). 45 minutes later I was pulled over on the side of the road hearing one of my oldest friends tell me there was no fight, it was over, he was going to take his wife home to die. I told him I would call him with flight info. Monday happened and Tuesday night after work Jay and I drove to Denver and caught a flight to Chicago. We got a rental car and made the drive arriving around 2am. I then witnessed what ended up being some of the last words she said when Jayson grabbed her hand. Her eyes opened wide and she said "Jay!" and for the next 22 hours not much else was said. She held on for a day of visitors and then at 12:15am on Thursday she let go. I kissed her several times and told her I had her back and I would get the babies. Then I think I slept for a couple hours and I watched the sunrise. I wrote an obituary and Jayson drove our friend to pick out an urn. And then we went home.

This time instead of the guinea pig dying, Nash had developed horrible separation anxiety resulting in lots of stomach issues all over the house. A $680 trip to the pet ER later it was determined he was stressed and needed Prozac. Before we could get to that point he attacked Sota - so for everyone’s health and sanity, he was placed in a new home by the Springer Rescue group. 

Then a couple weeks happened. And then spring break.

It was supposed to be so many things - spring break and fall break was always our time - 4 adults and 7 kids. It was amazing, every time . . . But now we have to find our new things. It was always a perfectly orchestrated dance - feeding and bathing 7 kids in time to watch the sunset on the deck with drinks . . . But now we have to learn a new dance. 

We arrived in IL on Sunday and picked up a camper on Monday to sleep in for the week. Let’s just say next time I camp in a trailer I will check weather and propane levels exhaustingly!!! I spent the first few days of break in a funk - I was so mad and I couldn’t stop crying. How unfair was all of this? I was being so selfish - I just wanted my friend. Never underestimate the ability of rage pop and a country road to clear your head. The week got better and there were lots of smiles and tears.

Yesterday we celebrated her life - it was perfect, just like my best friend. And it helped to close that chapter - the one of grief and loss. I am certain I have a hole in my heart that will never go away - but that hole will be my reminder.